That to me is the crux of the midlife crisis. Not all of us go through it but I'm in that age range and I can speak to it a bit.
For a while there I was just done. It wasn't that I was depressed but I was sad and increasingly unwilling to put up with much nonsense at all. And as you well know, this life throws a lot of shit at us so an unwillingness to put up with nonsense can be incapacitating.
My cousin Chris died and his death wiped the horizon. The possibilities for the future changed. Things I thought would eventually happen with him and his family were no longer going to happen. I'm not the kind of guy who tries to have a lot of expectations and I don't believe in doing much planning for that reason (though I do a lot of contingency planning). However, even someone like me has unwitting expectations in place that apparently can be shattered at a moment's notice.
Chris's death wasn't the only disappointment I experienced. Professionally I was successful but increasingly irritated by the work and rolling that same rock up that same hill again and again. When you're a cog in a company machine the value of your work is contingent upon other people's values and ability to deliver.
To say I'm disappointed in others is an understatement. They've given up the game. At this point it also seems evident the game was rigged from the beginning, we won't as a group overcome some really significant problems. The snowball that brought us here has been rolling a long time and it's really picking up steam. This problem requires significant re-framing.
When it comes to health, you start to see it at 40, sometimes earlier, sometimes a bit later but you'll start to see the signs of your inevitable demise. And weird shit like hairs that grow who knows where and why (Ear lobe hair, what the fuck is that for?). You get to the point that you must exercise (your exercise routine will likely be unique to your body) in order to just keep basic functionality going and you know it will get worse.
Long ago I aspired to create something inspired that would speak across generations. I wanted to create a great work. Now that just seems futile, the future isn't what it used to be.
So I found myself in that space and started to put my energy into artistic expression because it's an easy spot for me to find intrinsic value. I poured and poured myself into that and all the sudden I'm ready to be a good cog again.
Phew.
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